Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Lecturer

Clever one this one.
No, seriously clever. But just not that smart. If you get where I'm going with that.
We dated a bit. A fair bit. After seven dates I was getting frustrated. 

I'm laughing whilst typing recalling how badly this went from the beginning. 

First date was truly excellent. Perfect in fact. 
By third date I'm pretty sure he was trying to get me in the back seat of his car. Now I actually struggled to type that as I recall it. 
Back - seat - of - his - car. 
40 year old (him, not me, thank you very much!) This is no longer cool, nor has it been since I was 15.

Besides the back-seat incident I couldn't get the guy to lay a finger on me, to the point where I started to think that perhaps there was an issue... And yes, I was thinking that I was the issue. What was I doing wrong, did I have terribly bad breath, was I a horrid kisser, all of the things that could all be solved with the age old trick - cook him dinner, and get him drunk!
So I did! Seduction! Hadn't failed me yet.
Fed him - watered him - even led him to the bedroom, and you know what came next?!
"Time for me to leave" he says...

A week later we had pre-planned a trip interstate. This made for an interesting play considering the bedroom antics. (What bedroom antics!)

For the men in the room, let me give you a pointer right now - if you're taking a girl away, and you're sharing a room - Please Remember - THE WALLS ARE THIN. We do know what goes on in the bathroom even if we pretend we don't. Taking your iPhone with you doesn't make things any better.
Particularly three times a day for 20-30 minute sessions.

Being away, being in a studio apartment meant the end of the bedroom shyness. (Yes ladies and gentlemen, she finally gets laid!) At least I think I did.
Some of you may choose to not read the next paragraph - this is my disclaimer - don't say you weren't warned... it includes adult content!

I have a theory, perhaps I'm going down the wrong path. I've always been a believer that faking gets things over and done with quicker. Generally speaking you fake an orgasm, the man thinks he's done his job, then he is happy to get on his merry way, and we're all happy. Or, to be honest, I'm still not happy, I'm just happy it's over.
But this one was special (remember my comment about him not being smart!). This one was SO bad that my seriously unconvincing faking effort managed to convince him he'd done a good job. So he persists for a second 'orgasm'. I fake quicker. He then goes a 'third'.
At this point who's the dumb one I hear you ask? I got myself into this mess (pardon the pun). So I (seriously unconvincingly) fake one last time, and call it quits.
I'm going to save you all the pain I then went through for the following 30 seconds and will continue on my story. But believe me when I say it was a very very short story.

I have rarely met a more arrogant man. So rather than dragging you through much more pain than you've just cringed (and hopefully giggled) through with the above, let me make it simple below with a few pointers which I did end up pointing out to him a month after it ended with The Lecturer, by way of email, at his insistence:

Things never to say to a woman you're dating:

  • "You're not that clever"
  • "I need you back at the hotel room for another 'round'"
  • "Be careful. That's hot"
  • "You can take 'care' of me now"
  • "I'm done now"
  • Conversations about your ex-wife - 17 times a day.
  • Oh, and did I mention "You're not that clever!"

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